So, on a new pagan forum I'm a member of the post came up about how you came to witchcraft. I figured I'd give the more detailed answer here.
So I was about 15, found a Silver Ravenwolf book and read it. I was completely thrilled that something like this really existed. Seriously. I had written quite a bit of poetry when I was younger about Mother Earth. Want a sample?
The Earth is screaming, sobbing weeping//searching through my veins.
It brings new messages to me with every heart beat//and thought within my brain.
It rumbles it's thunder and thinks like lightning//It interrupts my continuance and shows me the frightening
What holds you back, Great Earth Mother//of cleansing yourself from hell, horrors and hunger?
Your light burns deep taking me into your hold//You are my spirit and soul, for which a body you mold.
Hold fast, Sweet Earth Mother of mine//Greatness and beauty will return down the line
Of power and faith from which you control//Your followers, like me, can be your patrol
I breathe for thee, and hold you fast//I live for thee and learn my past
The world speaks to us if you listened to your hearts//for they are the ears of Mother Earth.
Cheesy, I know, but meh.. I was 14 ;) So yea, I was writing stuff about Goddesses and Mother Earth constantly and then found Silver Ravenwolfs "To Ride a Silver Broomstick" and fell in love. I practiced magick daily. I felt so empowered and cared for. I felt like the divine was everywhere around me and while I didn't see it so much as a religious move, I felt very connected and magickal.
Then I had a scary dream. I was asleep in my room and opened my eyes to find four hooded figures standing in my room around me. I was freaked out. I couldn't see their faces and wasn't sure I wanted too. I knew they were spiritual, I just wasn't sure they were good. So I stopped practicing all together and was afraid God was punishing me. So I stopped and the magickal feeling for the world was cut off from me.
I finished high school disconnected and not believing in anything. I became suicidal over family events and needed to move out to gain my sanity back. Eventually, my sophomore year in college I landed an RA job that allowed me to move out and live in the dorms for free. It was perfect. And then it happened again, I met a girl who was a "Green Witch". I have this uncanny knack for pagan radar. Anyway, I was too afraid to pick it back up again, but I would go to pagan shops with her and loved being in them.
I tried to "be" Christian and it didn't work. It didn't fit. I found myself frustrated and angry and confused all the time. To the point where, after I got married I would say to my husband "Pray that this is resolved." and he would say "Why don't you pray for it too?" and I'd say "Because God listens to you. I don't exist to him." My husband would always argue that point, but I felt it. I knew the Christian God wasn't there for me. I became terrified of Death, terrified of everything, terrified of losing everything because there was nothing to believe in.
And then one day about a year and a half ago, on a very long ride home from visiting people I didn't want to see I thought "So what, if I don't believe in God. Am I really pagan?" I decided labels would come later, I just start thinking about the universe instead. So, through talking with my husband and figuring out what felt right I began to form a picture of what I thought was religion for me. It fits with paganism and I'm still unsure of which path (I've read more books in the last six months than I have in my life, I think? ;P) and I'm currently leaning towards a Druid path, but I'm interested in Hermeticism as well. Point is, all I've done is read and think and I've still not decided exactly what I am and that's okay. I know what I'm not and when I said what I wasn't out loud to my husband, I felt so much better. I didn't feel abandoned, I felt free. I felt free to view the universe the way my own heart sees it.
My soul is at peace and I am more religious now than I have ever been and tomorrow I'll be even more religious than I have ever been. I am happy with my soul. Now, I'm working out the kinks, like finding a matron/patron deity and unclogging the 13 years of non-magickal buildup I have.
I have found my way and I hope this helps someone understand and figure out what they need to do to find themselves and be at peace.
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